Sebuah Pertemuan itu..

 

SEBUAH PERTEMUAN ITU...

Setiap pertemuan yang Allah izinkan berlaku, tentu ada sebab musababnya.

Sungguh Allah tidak menjadikan segala sessuata itu, termasuklah pertemuan dengan hamba-Nya sesuatu yang sia-sia. 

Ya. Kerisauan pasti menjengah di dada.

Semoga segala yang diaturkan Allah, ada kebaikan di dalamnya, walaupun dibaluti dengan seribu kepayahan dan keresahan.

Aku pasrah.

Aku berserah.

Tempatku mencari rezeki, sepi tidak berpenghuni.

Sedih menyapa.

Pilu bertapa.

Hadir si dia yang tiba-tiba sahaja menghulurkan bantuan yang tidak disangka.

Aku keliru.

Ya. Aku keliru.

Wahai Penciptaku, Engkau Maha Mengetahui akan segala sesuatu.

Jangan Engkau tinggalkan aku. 

Jangan biarkan aku sendiri. 

Kerna aku takut tanpaMU di sisiku.

Walaupun ku tahu, Engkau sangat dekat.

Engkau memerhati.

Satu Aturan (2)

 Satu Aturan (2)

Walaupun beberapa kali dia memberi 'hint', aku hanya buat blur dan tak faham sahaja. Ketakutan kerana traumaku yang lampau membuatkan aku belum bersedia dań belum berani untuk melangkah jauh lebih serius. Aku bebaskan dia. Aku lepaskan dia. Jika dia mempunyai seseorang yang lebih baik, pergilah. 

Kerana aku sesungguhnya tidak sempurna dan tidak sebaik dulu. 

Aku banyak luka. 

Aku banyak parut yang tak cantik. 

Aku banyak kerisauan. 

Emosi aku tidak seperti dulu. Aku tidak ingin meyusahkan sesiapa. Aku tidak ingin menambah dosa. Walaupun, aku juga ingin bahagia. Tetapi, pengalaman dahulu sangat menakutkan.

Risikonya sangat besar.

Aku tak rasa aku mampu hadapi lagi jika perkahwinan kali kedua ini - pisang berbuah dua kali - sungguh aku rasa aku tak mampu nak lalui lagi - mentally.

19.05.2024

Pertemuan kedua kami di Q.

Masa aku tengah brunch pukul 2.30pm, dia baru sampai. 

"Huh brunch apa dah pukul 2.30. Take your time la ya"

Biasalah, aku akan mengheret anak-anak untuk menemani aku meeting di luar. Terutama, jika meeting dengan non-muhram. Walaupun meeting nya berkisar bisnes. Anak-anak aku dah monyok mukanya. Boring tak tau nak cakap. Janji nak jumpa di ofis. Kunci ofis pula aku tertinggal.

Yang bestnya, dia menapak dari ofis aku ke Q. Mahu tak berpeluh. Jauh tu. Aku ingat dia bawa kereta parking dekat2 situ.

Panjang meetingnya. Daripada isu bisnes, NGO, isu IP hinggalah ke isu politik bagai.

Memanglah kalau discuss pasal ise pusaka dan bisnes dengan dia, semua macam mudah jer. Cara dia fikir memang simple. Mungkin juga sebab otak aku yang dah jem.

21.05.2024

Aku suarakan lagi nak tutup bisnes aku. Bila bayangkan aku rasa lebih tenang begitu, dan aku nak tumpukan business yang aku minat. Yang serabut kepala, aku dah tak mampu nak fikir. Sahabat baik aku pun ajak aku buka Syarikat A Training & Consultancy - fokus ceramah, seminar, bengkel. Sahabat aku dah ikut kursus HRDF. Dia suruh aku ikut next kursus.

Cuma - dia object - Kalau tutup business aku tu, apa jadi pada fail2 sedia ada. 

"Nak rehat takyah tutup F kut?" - Comel je ayatnya

"Ya boleh je beroperasi tanpa gi ofis"

"U work from home"

"Meet people outside/cafes lagi chill"

"Rasa bebas tak terikat ... org skrg panggil 'nomad business' "

Comel kan. Aku rasa sejuk dan tenang sahaja dengan advise dia. Sangat perihatin. Sangat memahami jiwa dan emosi aku yang caca marba. Aku suka dengar nasihat dan pandangan dia. Very supportive.

22.05.2024

Aku share sesuatu yang aku petit daripada FB kawan anak aku - dia mengalami HfD

The thing with high functioning major depressive disorder.

People don't know you're suffering inside unless you tell them.

And even so, some (many) people may not believe you, let alone understand what you're going through. 

These emotional injuries exist,

and it's real,

and it's okay

It's okay

if you can't get up

It's okay

if you can't keep up

It's okay

if you feel like hiding in your cave for a bit

It's okay

if you feel like throwing a couple of punches and a few kicks

It's okay

if your timeline is different than others

It's okay

if you can't seem to embrace everything life has to offer

It's okay

if you can't put up a plan for 5 or 10 years ahead

It's okay

if you focus on breathing and surviving each day instead 

Most importantly,

Know that it's okay to not be okay

It's called being human

It's called being alive

(Even when you feel like you're dying inside)

You've got this 💪🏼

And you're doing great already! ❤️

The Silent Cry

The Silent Cry

In silent strength she stood, unwavering and brave,
For love she bore, she’d cross any wave.
Beyond reason’s reach, she’d fight and strive,
Through storms of emotion, she’d keep love alive.

Her heart, a fortress of boundless care,
Endured the trials, the wear and tear.
She held on tight, through mental strain,
Through nights of tears, and days of pain.

Yet one day dawned, a light so stark,
Revealing shadows in her heart’s park.
Her efforts unnoticed, her spirit worn thin,
A silent cry echoed deep within.

Laughter veiled in tears, a mask she wore,
Pretending strength, though weary to the core.
She hid her sorrow, concealed her plight,
A warrior by day, a shadow by night.

She sought no pity, no victim’s role,
Just a place of honor in a loving soul.
She yearned for affection, a tender embrace,
From the one whose love once lit her face.

Her sacrifices, unspoken and vast,
She hoped would find recognition at last.
For in the heart of this steadfast dove,
Lay the purest form of selfless love.

Her only wish, so simple, so true,
To be cherished deeply, as she cherished you.
In the arms of her beloved, her heart’s only song,
She longed to find where she truly belonged.

A woman will fight and endure for someone she loves, even beyond the limits of her rational capacity, destroying her emotions and breaking her mental resilience.

Until one day, she realizes that all her efforts are unappreciated, and she becomes increasingly weary, her mental state deteriorates, and her emotions are shattered. Laughter hidden within tears. She begins to wear a 'fake mask' to show that she is still strong and able to bear all the suffering. She doesn't want anyone to look at her with pity. She is not 'playing the victim.' She only wants her sacrifices and hard work to be appreciated and to be loved by her beloved. She only wants the attention and affectionate care of a husband who is the only love of her life.

But when her husband ignores her feelings, doesn't care about her well-being, and continues to be 'a boy' rather than 'a responsible and qawwam husband,' she has nothing left to wait for. She becomes truly desperate. When she starts to keep silent, with nothing left to chat about, just waiting, you'll lose her.

 

I remember when I was a child

I remember when I was a child

I remember when I was a child
I loved to sing on the school bus,
With my friends, always chilled,
Bold and uncontrolled, so robust.

Though the bus was crowded,
With people standing everywhere,
We sang our hearts out loud,
Filling the air with joy and cheer.

Every day, enjoying the school bus trips,
With songs sung by us, no tips,
Everyone simply enjoyed, smiles on their lips.

We just didn’t care what people thought,
We just sang happily,
Like famous singers in our dreams.

How wonderful it was to be a child,
Smiling, singing, laughing, playing,
Every day a new colorful day,
Where fear and shame were strangers,
And courage was in our rhymes.

What a memorable, joyful time,
To sing without a care,
How wonderful it was to be,
Unafraid, with music in the air.

I hope all children will feel the same,
Now and then,
And not be afraid to sing,
And play around,
And not be afraid to be left behind,
Because you know
They are always with you—
Mom and Dad,
Teachers and friends,
Who understand and love you,
And will help you achieve your dreams,
No matter how high your dream is.

Keluhan Perantau

 

Lirik Penuh :

Angin senja yang membelai, Keheningan desa permai, Ku terkenang kemesraanmu, Di dalam oh rinduku... Ku kembara berkelana, Dan membawa hati luka, Di manakah kan ku temui, Sinaran cinta suci... Dari desa ku merantau, Ku memburu cita-cita, Walau apa rintangannya, Ku cuba mencari bahagia... Keluhanku di rantauan, Tak siapa mendengarkan, Mungkin esok kan ku temui, Sinaran cinta suci... Lyrics by: Rahmat Zaki Composed by: Ahmad Nawab

Tiba-tiba malam ni, mindaku terngiang-ngiang lagu Jamal Abdillah ni, 

dan perlahan terkeluar nyanyian kecil.

So, apa lagi, start menggugel lirik lagu yang aku nyanyi tiba-tiba ni

"keluhanku di rantauan, tak siapa mendengarkan"

terpapar lagu ni

Baru aku teringat, inilah antara lagu feveret Arwah mamaku dok nyanyi

Rindu

AL-FATIHAH

Echoes of Love and Yearning

The evening breeze softly whispers, 

In the quiet village serene, 

I recall your tender moments, 

In my heart, your love remains.

I wander with a wounded heart, 

Seeking solace in the night, 

Where will I find that purest love, 

That shines with a radiant light?

From the village, I set out, 

Chasing dreams and hopes anew, 

No matter the trials I face, 

Happiness, I pursue.

My sighs echo in the distance, 

Unheard by anyone near, 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll find, 

That pure love, bright and clear.

That Little Girl

 

That Little Girl

That little girl 

Who's always happy, 

Helpful, 

Cheerful, 

And not afraid of anything.

That little girl 

Who's always smiling, 

Laughing, 

Even at a joke that isn't really funny.

But, 

That little girl 

Always wears a smiley mask 

To hide the sadness, 

To hide the sorrow, 

To show the world she's okay, 

To show her family and friends she's strong. 

She can move mountains alone, 

She can walk around alone, 

She can eat alone, 

No one sees her tears, 

No one sees her fears.

Please tell her 

You are not alone, 

We are here for you.

Please tell her 

You are not alone, 

We are here with you.

Please tell her 

Allah is with her, 

Always.

Please tell her 

I love her, 

Because She is me.

The Sun Shines After the Sorrow Night

 The Sun Shines After the Sorrow Night

The sun rises after the sorrowful night, 

Bathing the world in a golden light. 

Tears that fell like midnight rain, 

Dry up as dawn breaks the chain.

The darkness fades, a new day's start, 

Bringing hope to a weary heart. 

Shadows retreat, the pain subsides, 

As warmth and light fill the skies.

The night was long, filled with despair, 

But morning comes, gentle and fair. 

Each ray of sun, a tender touch, 

Healing wounds that hurt too much.

Birds sing songs of hope anew, 

The sky, a canvas of brilliant blue. 

Flowers bloom, their faces bright, 

Embracing the day with pure delight.

Remember this, when nights are long, 

And everything seems to go wrong. 

The sun will rise, the light will come, 

Bringing peace to everyone.

So hold on tight through the darkest hour, 

For dawn will bring a mighty power. 

The sun will shine, the day will break, 

And with it, all your sorrows take.

Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah.

Because You are always there for me.

You light up my sorrow in the night.

With Your Love and Your Guide.

Me, in sujood with tears,

Wipe out all my fear

As You are always in my heart,

All is alright.

Alhamdulillah.

Dear My Self, Know That I Love You

Dear My Self, Know That I Love You

Dear my Self, 

Know that I love you. 

You are strong, 

Even though you are hurt. 

You are patient, 

Even though you are being neglected.

Dear my Self, 

Know that I love you. 

You cry alone, 

Despite being abused and tortured. 

You try to be as happy as possible in the eyes of your children.

Dear my Self, 

Know that I love you. 

You struggle to look strong in front of your children. 

You struggle to look strong in front of your mom and dad. 

You always tell all the good things about your marriage. 

You always praise your husband in front of your friends and family.

Dear my Self, 

Know that I love you. 

Enough is enough. 

You are not worth this type of man, 

Who does not appreciate all the good things you did for him, 

Who does not appreciate all the love, 

Who does not appreciate all the patience.

Dear my Self, 

Know that I love you. 

Let it go. 

Let him go.

Thank you

For being You

A Journey To Healing

A Journey to Healing

In the quiet moments of my life, 

After the storms have passed, 

I find myself standing still, 

Breathing in the calm at last.

The scars are deep, 

the wounds still fresh, 

But I refuse to dwell in pain, 

For I am more than what I've been through, 

I am the sun after the rain.

With every step, 

I seek the light, 

A path that's true and clear, 

Guided by a faith so strong, 

Dispelling every fear.

I embrace the lessons life has taught, 

The strength that's grown within, 

For in the darkest times I've found, 

The courage to begin again.

I listen to the whispers of my heart, 

And trust in Allah's plan, 

Knowing that in His infinite wisdom, 

He holds me in His hands.

Every day is a new beginning, 

A chance to rise and shine, 

To find the beauty in the struggle, 

And let my spirit climb.

I am a warrior, I am a soul, 

With resilience deep and true, 

On this journey to healing, 

I rediscover the best in you. (that's me)

No longer held by chains of past, 

I soar on wings of grace, 

Embracing all that lies ahead, 

With a heart in a peaceful place.

So here I stand, 

with head held high, 

A testament to strength and healing, 

On this journey of my life, 

Forever grateful for this feeling.

Thank you my Creator

You are the Most Gracious Most Merciful.

TRUST ALLAH

 TRUST ALLAH

Ya Allah, 

You know all about me. 

You know all about my wounds. 

You know all about my scars. 

You know all about what is good and bad for me. 

You know all. 

You know me more than I know myself.

Ya Allah, 

I'm putting my whole life in Your hands. 

I don't know what's good for me, 

And I don't know what's bad for me. 

Help me, my Creator, 

You're the Most Gracious and Most Merciful.

Ya Allah, 

You have made me encounter a man, 

That man who seems good to me, 

That man who seems to understand me, 

That man who seems religious to me. 

But You know him better than me.
Please choose for me, 

Please make the decision for us. 

If it is good for me and for him, 

Make it easy for us to unite. 

If it is bad for me and for him, 

Make it easy for us to remain just friends in this world— 

Good friends in business, 

Good friends in life.

I don't know where life is taking us. 

Help me to let go and surrender to Qadr. 

I trust You to take care of everything, 

Because until now, 

You have taken care of everything for me.

Salam Aidil Adha 2024

 

SALAM AIDIL ADHA 2024

Setiap tahun, aku tidak lepas daripada melakukan ibadah korban buat diri dan kedua ibubapaku, juga buat saudara-saudaraku yang berjuang di buji wakafan bumi Palestin.

Mereka insan kekasih Allah.
Mereka insan terpilih.
Mereka para syuhada'.
Mereka sentiasa berjuang mempertahankan bumi Palestin dengan batang tubuh mereka sendiri.
Mereka tidak dambakan harta Dunia.
Mereka hanya dambakan perhatian dan redha Yang Maha Pengasih Maha Penyayang.

Bezanya mereka dengan kita. 

Terasa kerdilnya diri kita di sisi Allah. 

Kita di sini masih berjuang. 

Ya, masih berjuang untuk hidup dengan pelbagai kesempitan kewangan.

Mereka berjuang mempertahankan bumi umat Islam.

Ditindas. Dibunuh. Seluruh dunia melihat.

Negara yang berkuasa semakin bongkak.

Menggunakan segala kuasa untuk membunuh yang tidak berdosa.

Di sambut dengan peluru dan bom.

Dengan darah.

Kita di sini berjuang untuk hidup dari bulan ke bulan.

Membayar bil-bil bulanan, ansuran Kereta, ansuran rumah.

Jika sebagai majikan pula, gaji pekerja, kwsp.

Pelbagai tekanan hidup.

Kos hidup yang semakin tinggi.

Yang berkuasa menindas yang lemah.

Yang berkuasa ingin kekal berkuasa.

Pelbagai cara dibuat.

Aidil Adha kali ini,

Tetap disambut.

Dengan apa yang ada.

Ada yang mesej perlukan bantuan kewangan.

Tiada gaji.

Tiada pendapatan.

Ada yang meminjam ah long.

Ada yang menerima ugutan.

Ujian.

Ujian.

Ujian.

Berterusan.

Aku.

Aku memerhati.

Aku merasai.

Segala keperitan.

Memikirkan.

Sentiasa memikirkan jalan.

Tidak berhenti.

Satu Aturan (1)

Satu Aturan (1)

05.04.2024 

Salam pertama daripadaku

Salam Aidil Fitri

hanya bertujuan untuk meminta bantuan

dalam urusan bisnesku yang bercabang

aku perlukan ilmunya, nasihatnya, kepakarannya

seperti biasa

aku akan mencari yang pakar

salamku bersambut

16.04.2024

aku mengorak langkah

ya lah

masih urusan bisnes

otakku memang wiringnya bisnes

aku akan fokus anak-anak

survival hidupku dan anak-anak

masa depan anak-anakku

dan

ini kali pertama aku try F&B

my dear fastfood restaurant

aku beranikan diri

bertanya masa free nya

dengan muka tak malu

ha ha ha

18.04.2024

Dia mesej aku

mengatur satu pertemuan

.

ya, semua urusan bisnes

.

Bermula Satu Pertemuan

Satu Aturan

.

.

Indah bukan!

.

.

After Break-Up, How to Know a Man?

After Break-Up, 

How to Know a Man?

After break-up, 
How to know a man? 
If he is chosen by Allah 
To be with me, 
If he is competent enough 
To be my husband, 
If he is kind and faithful 
To guide me and my kids 
On the way to Allah.

After break-up,

How to know a man? 
If he knows the meaning of marriage, 
Sakinah, Mawaddah, and Rahmah, 
To build a home full of love and tolerance, 
Not a house full of hate, abuse, and hypocrisy. 
Not that anymore. 
No more.

After break-up, 
How to know a man? 
If he is responsible and patient, 
Because I'm not like before, 
As I'm still suffering from mental, emotional, and physical abuse. 
If he can bear with my conditions and weaknesses, 
As I cannot be a full and normal wife like before. 
If he can bear with me 
in moments of stress and calm.

After break-up, 
How to know a man? 
If he truly loves me, 
If we are compatible 
In values and dreams, 
If we both can respect each other's boundaries, 
If we both can encourage each other to achieve more in life, 
If we both can be in Allah's way of life.

Oh Allah, my Lord, 
Please guide us. 
If You send him to me, 
If You send me to him, 
Show us the way, 
Unite us with Your love and mercy. 
Bless us, dear Allah. 
We need You in our life in this dunya. 
We need Your mercy in the hereafter.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart

Be soft, dear Heart, 
If you want to be in peace.

Be truthful, dear Heart, 
If you want to be trusted.

Be kind, dear Heart, 
If you want to be loved.

Be strong, dear Heart, 
If you want to endure challenges.

Be open, dear Heart, 
If you want to know new friends.

Be patient, dear Heart, 
If you want to grow in wisdom.

Be grateful, dear Heart, 
If you want to find joy in life.

Be forgetful, dear Heart, 
If you want to heal old wounds.

Be forgiving, dear Heart, 
If you want to stay healthy.

Be hopeful, dear Heart, 
If you want to dream of the future.

Be faithful, dear Heart, 
If you want to believe in the unseen.

Be present, dear Heart, 
If you want to live fully.

Dear Heart, embrace these virtues, 
And you will truly flourish.

I'm alone

I'm Alone

I'm alone. 
When I'm alone, 
I think about You. 
I feel secure 
because I know You are with me. 
You won't hurt me. 
You love me.

I'm alone. 
When I'm alone, 
I can do whatever I want. 
No one can take my time, 
No one can ever break me 
Like before.

I'm alone. 
When I'm alone, 
I can read, 
I can write, 
I can eat, 
I can sleep. 
I can do whatever I want. 
No one can bother me, 
No one can torture me, 
No one can scold me 
Like before.

I'm alone. 
When I'm alone, 
I try to be my old self. 
I can be myself again, 
Who was kind, 
Who was happy, 
Who had a soft heart, 
Who was selfless, 
Who was independent.

I'm alone, 
And still alone. 
But then he came, 
Unexpectedly, 
And knocked on my heart's door. 
But I still can't open it. 
I just see him through the window. 
Yes, I'm still afraid, 
I'm still traumatized, 
I'm confused.

Oh Allah, please help me. 
Who is he? 
Did You send him to me? 
I don't want to leave You, 
I don't want You to leave me. 
I'm afraid I will get busy with Your creation. 
But yes, I need somebody to talk to, 
I need somebody to laugh with, 
I need somebody to share my thoughts. 
I'm just human. 
But I'm afraid, 
If he makes me busy, 
What about Our time alone?
 

Don't Leave Me, Allah

 

Don't Leave Me, Allah

Oh Allah, don't leave me 

If someone comes to me

And wants me to be his companion

I won't choose him If he doesn't love You

Oh Allah, don't leave me 

I need You

Send me Your love 

I want to miss You 

Every day

Every night

Every moment

Don't let anyone of Your creation Take Your love from me

Or take Your 'eyes' from me

Please save me

Save me from people who don't love You

Save me from people who don't remember You

Don't leave me

Please let me be with You

Loving You

Missing You

Day and night.

Please let me feel Your love

Please guide me to You

Oh my Creator

Who am I without Your love?